I’ll just start by saying that this post is super difficult for me to write and share BUT I feel like this is MY blog and I want to be open with you in the good times and the bad. I realize that the majority of my posts are painted with the rainbows and butterflies paint brush. However, my life is not all grins and giggles – not all of the time :)
The last few weeks have been the most difficult of my life with the exception of losing my mom. I don’t even know where to begin…
Early in July I found out that I was pregnant. This was not a planned pregnancy – it was one of those “Oh crap! I’m pregnant!” pregnancies. I had always wanted a third child but Chris comes from a family with two kids and our family seemed perfect to him just how it was. And it was. And it is. This past year I finally donated all of our baby stuff and came to peace with the fact that my two perfect little boys were exactly what our family needed.
Then the surprise pregnancy hit. It took all of a week for me to go from “Oh crap!” to “I can’t wait for this little one to arrive!” I got all excited and we started making plans and even Chris was totally on board. I was seeing lots of my bloggy friends announcing their pregnancies and I couldn’t wait to announce mine.
Fast forward to two Wednesdays ago. I was at my first ultrasound. Chris met me there and I was so excited to see the baby and then….we got a slow heartbeat. She checked again, and again, and again. It was measuring between 99 and 104 beats per minute. It should be around 140-160. She had me get dressed and took me to her office. I already knew what she was going to say. I was going to miscarry.
This wasn’t going to be my first miscarriage. I had miscarried once before – right before I got pregnant with Bryce. I felt like I at least knew what to expect. I was still holding out hope that things would magically turn out. I took it super easy the next few days but despite all my hope and efforts – the miscarriage started on Saturday. I realized on Monday that something wasn’t right. It certainly wasn’t like my other miscarriage which seemed like it lasted for less than a day.
I was bleeding – A LOT. In gushes. I’m not going to get too graphic but let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.
Wednesday (last Wednesday) I was driving up to pick up Chris so we could get Reece’s passport renewed for our Disney cruise in November. I was on the off ramp about a mile from his work. Bryce asked for a water, and as I picked up the water bottle it dropped on my side – by my feet and the pedals. My first reaction was to pick it up. I mean, it’s not safe to have a water bottle rolling around under my feet right? Turns out I should have just left it there.
The traffic that was moving steadily along at the green light came to a sudden stop while I was reaching for the water bottle and as I looked up I crashed right into the truck in front of me. Totally my fault.
The boys were shaken but okay. I called Chris and he was able to come meet me and helped me deal with everything. Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling super great and was seriously shaken up. I remember thinking “Well, at least I already miscarried.”
The truck that I hit had this tiny dent in his fender and my car looked like I had ran into a brick wall. We just got the news today that it is being considered a total loss. Apparently airbags are pretty expensive to replace :)
I am seriously struggling with mommy guilt right now. I feel awful that I put the boys through such a traumatic experience and now every time we get into a car, Bryce says “Mommy, don’t get into a car accident again.” Breaks my heart every time.
So in the span of less than a week I miscarried and totaled our car. Pretty awesome, right?
Well it doesn’t end there. My miscarriage was still having complications and Friday I had to go in for an ultrasound and bloodwork. I found out that there is still tissue inside that has to pass and my bloodwork showed that my pregnancy hormone levels weren’t dropping back to normal.
Maybe that explains all the crying around here lately?
This past weekend we were up at Lake Tahoe and I felt marginally better and the bleeding all but stopped. I think I am finally through all of that business but will be going in for some follow up bloodwork to make sure my hormone levels are going back to normal.
I’m having a harder time than I thought adjusting to the loss of the baby. I guess it made me realize how much I do want another baby. Unfortunately, the family is not on board. Chris would’ve loved having this baby but when he gets all logical on me, having another baby just doesn’t make sense for our family. We live in a small house and the boys are perfectly happy with how things are. Whenever I bring up a new baby they both are like “Nooooo!”
I’m trying to leave the door open right now for a future baby. I know I’m totally emotional right now and kind of a bit of a wreck so it’s smart to just wait and see how I feel in a couple of months. I think I’ve talked Chris into a minivan so…who knows :)
Soooo, anyways. Last Wednesday I totally, TOTALLY forgot about the linky party. Like it was completely wiped from my mind. I’ve decided to take a timeout from the party until I start feeling semi-normal again. I kind of feel like I’m going through the motions right now but not really enjoying my life like I used to. I have to say though, that having Bryce put his chubby little arms around me and whisper “I love you Mommy” helps my heart heal a little bit each and every time.
I just want to apologize to all of my bloggy friends who have been wondering what the heck is wrong with me the past few months. I know I’m not visiting and commenting as much as I used to and I just want you to know – It’s not you – it’s ME! Thank you for continually visiting my blog and leaving your sweet comments. Each and every comment brightens my day and makes me feel like “normal Trish”. A feeling that I can’t wait to get back :)
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